'Reflections'

Grief. 

Working through grief takes time and an open heart to let our pain out, and let love in. This is necessary with humanity and with God. It is not easy to come to this place in our hearts

My journey into grief began with the death of my 23 week pregnancy with my baby daughter on May 25,1976, due to my appendix rupturing, and subsequent surgery. This was my second fetal loss, and was quickly followed by a divorce and the loss of 4 step-children. I turned myself inward, and built  Cocoon around myself so no more pain could enter into my heart. 

With the death of my daughter, Heather Marie,  my marriage and those other four children which had become my life, I became introverted. Through t-i-m-e, I was completely alone in my sorrow and Grief, and I had actually put a distance between God and me . . . not because of God . . . Totally because I did not know how to Pray from my heart. I noticed I could not ‘feel God’s Presence. I discovered that it was because I was keeping Him ‘Arms Length’ away from me. It was a ‘protective move on my part.

On May 22nd, Before Heather’s birth, I had a ‘Near Death Experience’, during which I was told, “Your child will die.  You shall live. You’ve been given a second chance. A chance at your Christianity. Remember . . . there is a reason.”

Time marched on and I became Epileptic from the stress that I was holding inside of me. It was diagnosed a year after her birth. I began seeing a consular about 3 months before the Diagnosis, and He encouraged me to write out my thoughts, which was a struggle because I tried not to think. Working through grief is not easy. It brought me more pain. During this rough time, my Counselor was the only one who believed that something was wrong with my body . . .not my mind.  About one and a half years after Heather’s birth and death, I began working in the Newborn Nursery, it was necessary for my healing.

When I finished paying my Dr. the last of my ‘bill’ from Heather’s Birth, I wrote him an explanation as to what happened to me, and why I needed to begin  working through my grief in the Newborn Nursery. It said: 

#101

My child died . . . but I live . . .

My marriage died . . . and yet . . . I live . . .

My hands may be tied . . . but my heart can give.Working through my Grief